The Child-Shooter: Why?

As we ponder the WHY behind the motives of the Florida shooter, Nikolas Cruz, we can only presuppose what prompted this young man to walk into Stoneman Douglas High School, that fateful Valentine’s day, 2018 with a made-up-mind to carry out the carnage taking the lives of 17 innocent people.

Of course, via media outlets and then countless interviews from several of Cruz’ peers and closet contacts, we know a bit about his story, and what a complex story to unravel.

As an advocate against bullying I’ve thought about the many different variables that could have prompted such an unfathomable massacre, but I realize we’ll never have a final on this one account.

While it may be extremely difficult to begin uncovering the many layers causing his horrible actions, I feel we must attempt to take a closer look. And, even though Cruz may be 19 years old, to many of us he’s still a very young kid.

Where do we begin?

Whilst, I refuse to make excuses for Cruz, as I’d never want to pose accusations against any one person, or another making them responsible for what Cruz executed on his own, we must begin to have effective dialogue and discourse about possible antecedents leading to his painful actions determining if collectively we can do all that we can to save other youngsters from feeling this is the way to carry out their pinned-up feelings, or anger.

POSSIBLE FORERUNNERS

Home Life

One of the precursors, I’d like for us to consider is Cruz’ family background, early home life experiences and family interactions.  We may never know how dysfunctional or unstable his past has been, but isn’t it worth consideration? I have to wonder about the early stages of his life, in terms of bonding with his parents and the emotional stages we must all move through successfully in order to be called ‘normal’ or balanced. How was Cruz treated? Did he feel special? Was there respect in his home in terms of roles? Was there discipline? Did he observe chaos? Was he a victim born to parents using alcohol? Did he feel abandoned?

School Life

Another area of concern is whether or not Cruz had friends at school. I’m not talking about occasional interactions, but true friends. Did he feel connected, or was he alienated? Did he play a sport, or instrument giving him an outlet that he could feel proud about? Did his teachers/administrators approach him utilizing Social Emotional Learning Skills/Techniques? Were the people he interacted with daily sympathetic to his expressive needs, and/or the loss of his mom? Did anyone reach out to him? Was Cruz bullied at school by his peers or teachers? So, if he appeared different, did anyone approach him with a smile, or lend him a hand?

Bad Guy

No. I am not attempting to make Cruz the victim here. He is clearly the ‘bad guy’ in terms of the deeds he carried out, but I just want all of us to stop and ask ourselves how we could have reached-out to this young soul – this kid.

I can’t help but believe in my heart-of-hearts that any one kid who we all know, love and hold dear to our hearts is just as capable of carrying out such a hideous crime if they feel unwanted, unloved and/or isolated.  We are all humans, and humans can feel fragile.

Mental Illness

Is it really fair to the many people suffering from mental illness to categorize them as possible ‘murderers?” I mean, I suppose if we pick up a gun and shoot someone we have truly ‘lost it’ but think on this for a spell. We are quick to say ‘mental illness’ but to become mental in this way, is just a ‘snap’ away as we are all human and prone to destruction, and acts of violence if we are in such a state or dark and lowly place in our lives.

I think it’s high time for each and everyone one of us to remain connected to the children in our lives. We must consider their needs. We must STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN to their stories, concerns, and fears. We have to become very observant, ask questions, and offer assistance as much as we can. Dig deeper in your questioning of children. Whenever you ask your children about their day, do not accepted, “Good” or “I’m okay” and/or the like. Ask your children details about their day, who they hung-out with, and what they’re up to.

Good Guy

If we expect to raise and dwell with wholesome well-balanced children, we must think on these important notes:

·         The quality of a child’s attachment depends on the responses from those who rear the child (the adult)

·         The bond of connection develops between the child and his/her caregiver (it should be positive)

·         Once the child leaves our tutelage, the educator must grab the ‘torch’ and extend Social Emotional Learning – As parents we must expect this.

·         We must make positive, meaningful connections with children

·         Loneliness and separation anxieties are both variables we as adults, must pay attention to

·         We have to foster empathy and sympathy within our children

·         We must treat children with kindness and respect. We can still do this as we discipline with love.

·         We must expect our children to use great manners, but how can they if we fail to teach them?

·         We must teach our children to share.

·         We must teach our children to volunteer their time and services to others.

·         We must refrain from spoiling our children and giving them everything they ask for. By doing so, this will avoid their sense of entitlement.

·         We must teach our children to say ‘thank you’ and to be grateful and thankful, too.

Parents – Feel free to add to this list.

Note: Please let me know what topics you'd love for me to cover.

Please ensure that you've downloaded my 2 FREE resources: Click Here

Resource to Help Children with Goals and Positive Uplifting

 Resource to Help Parents Meet with School Officials

Bully Upstander NOT Bully Bystander

I Already Know What Bullying is, Dr. Cherrye!

Okay, okay, I know you're tired of hearing that bullying hurts. You already know that bullying is on the rise, and you may already know the latest statistics, too. What you really want to know is how to intervene. You want resources, and tools that you can actually put into practice.  I feel you!

Bully Upstander

One of the ways you can help is to teach your children how to be Upstanders. But wait a minute! You might ask - "Are you telling me to have my child get involved in a bad situation that isn't his/her business? Don't you realize that by doing so the bully could turn his/her cruelty on my child? You can't be serious!" 

Well, yes, I am telling you to have your child do something, but not in the way you're thinking. Give me a chance to explain, please.

Before I try to convince you that one powerful way to teach children to help decrease bullying is to become an Upstander, and why this movement is so very important, perhaps I should pause a minute, and define what Upstander means.

Definition of Upstander

An Upstander intervenes by either speaking up, or moving toward a positive action to help the victim. Simply put - If a child sees another child being bullied, he/she realizes it's wrong, so he/she is driven to action. An Upstander is no longer a Bystander (one who witnesses bullying, but remains silent with no positive, workable actions). 

Why Teach Children to Become Upstanders?

First of all, it's the right thing to do.

Before you think about telling your child never to get involved, or to mind his/her own business less the bully turns on him/her, just imagine your child becoming a victim - and at a whim. 

Just imagine your child being bullied, and needing the help of an...... that's right - an Upstander. Wouldn't you love it?

Imagine having a school full of children who think on the lines of, and own the acts of becoming Upstanders. Wouldn't this look like a school with minimum to zero bullying?

Upstander Actions

Tell your child:

• Just be a friend. You don't have to be best friends, just friendly
• smile
• lend a helping hand
• answer a question
• Let the victim know that you understand, and you feel their pain
• Let the victim know that they are not alone
• It's okay to walk with the child being bullied 
• It's okay to eat at the same table with the child that's being bullied
• See how you can be the leader of an Upstander Movement at your school
• clear this with the school administrator, first
• Get your friends involved
• make this an exciting club, or movement
• Each day, see how you and your group of friends can point out a child who is lonely, upset, or sitting in the cafeteria alone
• take positive action
• ask how you can help
• take the victim to an adult to talk

Feeling: Wouldn't it be nice to have another student do this if your child was being bullied?

Tell your child:

• Gossiping/rumors can be a part of bullying acts. When this starts see how you can end it.
• Can you change the topic?
• Can you say that isn't true, or that isn't how I heard it, or saw it?
• Or, simply say, "You know that isn't true."

Feeling: Help your child understand how it would feel if an untruth was told on them

Ask your child:

• Have you noticed any new students at your school, or entering your class?
• See how you can help the child feel comfortable
• Does the new student need to catch up, and could use your notes?
• Does the new student need a pencil/pen?

Feeling: Wouldn't you appreciate and feel relieved if another student did this for your child until they felt comfortable in a new school environment?

Upstander  -- It's Everybody's Business

School officials cannot be everywhere noticing everything, so the children who are right there in the midst may see things that no one else does. It is everybody's business and responsibility!

Important Notes: There is no way that children can all be the same. They are different mentally, physically and socially. Teach children how diversity makes them uniquely special. Teach children to share their diverse talents, and learn from one another. Tell them to listen, learn, and then share. 

Parents: If you haven't already, please download my FREE resource guide titled: The Bully Band Parents in Rhythm. What I've written within this guide is what I used when my own child was bullied when she was in 4th grade. I met with the school principal calm, ready (with my documentation in hand), and I felt confident that I would make a difference as my child's anti-bully advocate, and guess what? It worked. The Principal was receptive. She met with the student, and then the student's parent. The mother of the bully felt the severity of her child's actions, and realized that I meant business about her child's bullying behaviors.

Remember, parents - We are our children's mouth pieces for peace. 

The Bully Band Parents in Rhythm - Free Download

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